What's up party DJs! I know what your thinking. All you want in life is for people to discover, love, and share your music like wildfire. You might go as far as to do terrible, vile, and unforgivable things to be the next big thing in dance music. You want all this, but blogs are just SO last year. Am I right? Why would you want to waste your perfectly good street cred by having an amazing blog like Daily Beat gush all over you and tell their readers how amazing you are? Yea, nobody wants that.
If you don't want any blog coverage ever again, here's how to write the perfect blog pitch. Follow these steps, and bloggers will avoid you like the plague.
1. Make your subject line so vague that nobody would even bother to click-through to open the email.
If you master this one, disregard the following steps. Nobody will read your pitch.
2. It's a waste of time to look for the blogger's first name.
Better yet, don't even mention the name of the blog when you greet them. Just look up every single music blog in the history of time, regardless of genre, and bcc everybody. Bloggers will definitely see this, and they'll know for certain that you have no intention of being featured on their blog.
3. Never introduce yourself.
Instead, lead with something EPIC, something that resembles a badass quote from a trailer for a James Cameron movie.
4. Talk to the blogger like he's one of your bros.
The first colloquialism in a pitch is exactly the point where the blogger says the two magic words: DUHHHH-LETE
5. Pump yourself up to be way better than you actually are.
Tell the blogger that your client is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Once they find out that your artist has 50 likes on Facebook and nobody cares, they will remember how much of a tool you are, and pass on every subsequent pitch you send.
Keep going, you're doing great!
6. Never proofread your pitch for spelling or grammar.
I warn you about this one. It's one thing to ruin your own career, but once the blogger throws up all over their laptop after reading your poor display of literacy, they will lose the opportunity to read well-crafted and worthy submissions. You may not want to be taken seriously, but don't ruin it for everyone else.
7. Act like you're doing the blogger a favor by providing them with this amazing opportunity to feature your artist.
If you act like you're too cool for school and that the blog can't handle their awesomeness, the blog will "take your word for it". Well played!
8. Don't provide links to ANYTHING.
Pump your artist like there's no tomorrow, and then leave it to them to go on a wild goose chase to find their music or website. Oh, and definitely make sure you don't have a website. Bloggers love websites. Don't have one if you don't want coverage.
9. Don't break up your paragraphs.
Bloggers love easy reading and short broken up paragraphs for easy readability. Make sure you lump everything together so it takes the blogger 20 minutes to find your Call To Action. Bonus question: know what you can do to take this one step further? That's right... don't have a call to action!
This concludes your training on writing a sh*tty pitch! If you're feeling lazy, and don't feel like writing one yourself, congratulations! You're a natural.
I have provided a template for you to use in your pitch. I know it'll be tough to fend off bloggers with your immense musical talent, but with a little help, you can be sure to see your career go down the toilet in no time.
Subject: new music
if you havent heard of DJ LAME-O, you gotta get on it. he was 8th place in a remix contest that would have seen him spin a sidestage at ezoo. you should feature him on [NAME OF BLOG]. this guys gonna be all over the world headlining tomorrowland and ultra soon, and you wont wanna miss your chance. hes up for interviews and sh*t, so I might be able to hook you up if you request it. ill leave it to you to find him online cause I suck and dont provide links to sh*t.
peace bro bro bro bro bro bro bro,